| 043 |
[ | |
August 8th, 2008 @ 1:09am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Breaking Benjamin :: So Cold |
] |
And people wonder why I hate the human race.
[Private.]
People always leave. People can't be trusted.
I trusted him to take care of her. I don't trust people so easily, so how could I be so stupid? How could I trust him with the one thing that I value more than my own life? I thought he was good for her. I thought he was going to help me become a better person. He was supposed to be giving us a better life? I thought he loved her.
This is just another example of how fucked up my judgment is. Maybe now, though, people will concentrate more on whether she's okay than me. Although, if they give her too much attention, I know I'm going to get jealous.
[End Private.]
|
|
| 041 |
[ | |
July 13th, 2008 @ 12:03pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
[Private.]
I did this so I would be happier. Why the fuck do I still feel like shit? I'm not going to sit here and kid myself and say that it should instantly feel better, but I thought that it would at least feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I never, ever should have let it get to the point that it did. I'm a fucking idiot. I should have gotten out the minute I started getting vulnerable and jealous, because that should have been a red flag. That's not like me. I don't deserve to be anybody's favorite.
I love my friends. They're absolutely amazing and they've tried all they can, but being happy only lasts for so long, and I can't let them see that I'm actually really hurt. I have to be the tough one. I keep having really bad cravings.
I just need to cry, but I won't let myself.
[End Private.]
Sometimes I wish I hadn't crashed my car even if that asshole is the one who gave it to me, because I really feel like driving right now.
|
|
| 040 |
[ | |
June 30th, 2008 @ 11:04pm
| | ] |
|
Guess who doesn't have the old ball and chain anymore?
You don't get but one guess, because you won't need anymore than that.
I think we all know what this means. Because I need to go out. Now.
|
|
| 039 |
[ | |
June 20th, 2008 @ 8:27pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Amy Winehouse :: Tears Dry On Their Own |
] |
Right when I think I'm going somewhere, trying to change for the better...
Someonething just pops up and ruins it.
If it weren't the day before my sister's wedding, I'd definitely be out tonight.
|
|
| 038 |
[ | |
June 20th, 2008 @ 3:23am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
OneRepublic :: Say (All I Need) |
] |
That actually kinda hurt. And I don't know why.
But hey, I'm Hades. I'm supposed to be second best. I'm supposed to be cast out. No one will ever like me over anybody. Once I accept that, I should be okay.
This is stupid. I'm tired of being so fucking angry and jealous all the time. I just wish I could be happy. I should be happy. Robbie's wedding is very soon. She's going to be happy. Be happy for her.
Marph.
|
|
| 037 |
[ | |
May 11th, 2008 @ 12:55am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Coasters :: Down In Mexico |
] |
[Private]
I wish I could just learn to not read certain things. It just... dragged out all of these feelings that I don't want to have, but I know they're justified. I know I'm not overreacting.
I'm jealous. He's leaving me. Going off to Boston. And Robbie and I are doing this weird... thing where we know there's the issue of college with her to talk about, and neither of us want to talk about it. I don't want to hear that she's leaving me too.
When I think about it, either way, it sucks for me. I'm either the one that gets left behind, or I'm the one that holding everybody back. I should be happy for him. He'd getting away from me, the one thing that's preventing him from making something of himself, because all I'd ever do is drag him down with me. But I just couldn't find it in me to tell him congratulations. Sure, I gave him a "gift" for it, but I never said those words. I can't jump up and down because I got attached to yet another person who just... won't be there all the time like I want.
She has Xavier here, so maybe she won't leave. I just hope I'm not the only reason she doesn't go, even if I don't want her to go. I need her.
It's not like me to just be all okay with it. I was Hades. I get insanely jealous.
[End Private]
I think I watched every horror movie in the house this last week. I need to go to the video store and get some more. I heard Cloverfield was decent enough. Hell, even if it isn't I'm going to get it anyway. The cheesier the better.
|
|
| 036 |
[ | |
April 20th, 2008 @ 9:43pm
| | ] |
|
happy 4/20, all.
this'll make up for being upset about everyone who didn't care about my birthday.
|
|
| 035 |
[ | |
April 17th, 2008 @ 11:48pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sneaky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Seether :: Fine Again |
] |
[Blocked from Robbie and Xavier Stone]
So... as you all should know, my birthday is tomorrow, and you know what would make me incredibly happy on my big day?
If someone would take my little sister to prom. She says she doesn't want to go, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not true. She can't go with her boy, for obvious reasons, and it's not really fair that I'm going, and I graduated last year. I didn't go while I was there because I didn't want to, but... I think she does. And I think I know her well enough by now.
And you can give me stuff too. Presents are good. Can't forget that.
[End Block]
So, now, to figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow...
Such a dilemma.
|
|
| 034 |
[ | |
April 4th, 2008 @ 5:18am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Nightwish :: Swanheart |
] |
[Private.]
He keeps gushing to me every time I talk to him about that campus over there. I don't want him to like it so much. He'll be all the way in Massachusetts, for fuck's sake. He won't have time for me anymore. He won't want a girl sitting there and holding him back, will he? I wouldn't. It's not his fault that he's actually trying to make something of his life, and that I'm just the... girl who everyone knows will never amount to anything.
...skfhakdfjhasdkfjh
And they said I was sane. Fucking listen to me. I don't need to be so down on myself about this. I never get down on myself.
[End Private]
Well, I survived, and apparently I've kept my "sanity" intact. You know things are bad when I'm the sane one.
And it's over now, though. No use dwelling on it. I don't know much about it anyway, and I don't care to. Time to adjust to this new house and make this new room look like a home. It's so weird to say I have a home.
Also, Ollie? You need to hurry and come back. ;D I'm missing you a little. More like a lot.
|
|
| 033 |
[ | |
March 24th, 2008 @ 11:57pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Seether :: Fake It |
] |
[After this]
[Blocked from Loriana Carter]
Oh, LPA. How I don't miss you.
Since when does trying to help someone out mean I'm a skank? I can freely admit that I'm very far from being innocent when it comes to sex. In fact, most of the time, that term or ones like it don't effect me, because I'm not going to deny that at some point, they were right. But when all I was doing was trying to help someone out by way of distraction... I don't think that means I'm a skank. I wasn't going to sleep with him. I was just gonna help him get a girl. No harm in that.
Whatever. Just rather laughable to me.
[End Block]
Now where's the alcohol?
|
|
| 032 |
[ | |
March 23rd, 2008 @ 5:09am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Marilyn Manson :: The Beautiful People |
] |
I'm going to get in trouble. I can already tell.
[Blocked from Ollie Roslinn, and anyone who would even think for a second to say anything to him]
Soooo....
If I made out with another girl... Would it really be cheating? It's not like I'm going to make out with a guy or anything, but... c'mon. It's been a while since I kissed a girl, and Daniel's post made me realize that.
Maybe I'm just a bad person.
[End Block]
|
|
| 031 |
[ | |
March 18th, 2008 @ 3:32am
| | ] |
| [ |
music |
| |
K's Choice :: Not An Addict |
] |
[Posted last Wednesday night]
Greece is looking better and better every fucking day.
( Private; cut for mention of drug use. )
|
|
| 030 |
[ | |
March 12th, 2008 @ 6:19am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
murderous |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Eve 6 :: Think Twice |
] |
[After seeing this]
[Blocked from Ollie Roslinn, Ashleigh Barton, and anyone who would run their mouths, even if they may have to think a bit to figure it out]
Hey.
Fuck you. You're a bitch. And it kills me that I can't just rip your ugly ass apart, you judgmental...
I'm fucking done.
[End Block]
|
|
| 029 |
[ | |
March 11th, 2008 @ 3:12am
| | ] |
|
God, I got so excited, I nearly forgot about the move.
[Private to Xavier Stone]
I've never told you this, and I probably won't ever again, because I'm a terrible person, so take this and run with it.
I..
Thank you. For everthing.
[End Private]
[Completely Private]
I'm not going to feel bad about it. I haven't before. Why should I now?
You know what? I'm not even going to talk about it. I'm just going to have fun in Greece. Period. That's it. I'm not going to worry about it.
[ETA after talking to Ollie]
Oh my GOD. I am such a... lkajaslkfjasgjf Why can't I just... OH!
I need to go kick a fucking dog.
[End Private]
|
|
| 028 |
[ | |
March 8th, 2008 @ 4:44pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hungover |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Seether :: Fine Again |
] |
I need hangover fuel. Like a Chinese or pizza buffet. Why is it that those always taste better after a long night of drinking?
|
|
| 027 |
[ | |
March 7th, 2008 @ 3:44pm
| | ] |
|
So I have a night all to myself, to do whatever I want, and no one to do it with. This is sad.
Anyone in Chicago want to do something? Anything? You name it and I'm probably game. Please. Somebody. I don't care who.
[Private]
I'm not saying anything. Nothing at all.
[End Private]
[ETA after talking with Ollie:]
[Blocked from Ollie Roslinn]
Actually, turns out I'm open until Wednesday. Now someone really should entertain me.
[End Block]
|
|
| 026 |
[ | |
February 23rd, 2008 @ 6:06pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
K's Choice :: Not An Addict |
] |
[Written in shaky handwriting]
Drug Cravings suck. I'd rather keep doing drugs than feel sick from withdrawals.
[Private]
Too much is going on. There's too much I'm stressed about. Having Ollie around me on an almost 24/7 basis helps, but ... he can't help me feel good. Not physically. I just want to get away from it all. Fuck being terrified. I need to get over it, because I'm about to explode.
I keep throwing up, and I'm randomly getting shaky. I have a feeling they know what's going on, but I keep saying I'm fine. I can't stay couped up in here much longer, pretending like everything's fine.
[End Private]
|
|
| 025 |
[ | |
February 17th, 2008 @ 1:41am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
My mentality about Valentine's Day may have to be altered some now.
[Private]
Damn him. Damn him for turning me into a huge little mushy, giddy girl. Most people get flowers, candy, whatever. I got a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. I know I wanted him for myself. I told him so, but... I almost didn't think that it would happen. True, in a past life I had a wife, but... that wasn't really by her own chosing, was it?
I'm infinitely happy right now, but... isn't it me who always screws up something good? Or when something goes right in my life, something else goes horribly wrong? What if he gets so sick of everything that he has to deal with with me. What if I need him to be there one day, and he decides he just can't be there anymore?
[End Private]
|
|
| 024 |
[ | |
February 12th, 2008 @ 1:51am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
scared |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Moulin Rouge Sndtrk :: One Day I'll Fly Away |
] |
Robbie's out, and we're just... in a random hotel.
[Private.]
I don't think I've cried so much in my life. I can't even concentrate on anything right now. I thought it was all over once we moved. Or, well, after I went over there again. I've said this to myself over and over again, but... I shouldn't have done it. It was stupid, and she would've been able to still have that baby. I don't care what they keep saying. It was my fault. All my fault. Why couldn't it have been me he attacked? It should have been me, not her.
I wish I could get out from under this supervision and go out. It's what I need. I wish I didn't have to hide. At least now Ollie knows, but I hate being scared to go out, even if I was "allowed" to.
...Things never frighten me.
[End Private.]
|
|
| 023 |
[ | |
February 7th, 2008 @ 10:57am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
[Posted late tonight; She may or may not be making replies to this.]
It's all my fault. All my fault. If I hadn't have been so fucking stupid, she would be fine right now. I knew this shit was bound to happen soon. I was too happy. I could have lost her.
All I ever do is fuck up people's lives, especially the one's I care about. I should just not exist. No good ever came from me being around anyone.
If I kill him, and go to jail, I'll never have to worry about ruining anybody's lives every again.
|
|
| 022 |
[ | |
February 5th, 2008 @ 10:00pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Seether :: Fake It |
] |
I wish I could just... not think when I don't want to.
[Private.]
Thinking is making me not cherish how great my life is at the moment. I can't enjoy it. Ollie and I went on an actual date, and for once, it wasn't all about being physically attracted to him. It kinda scares me a little, but... I wish I could let myself enjoy it. I've at least been able to fight off my anger towards the other girls who seem to be so content with getting in my way, and I'm going to try to not let it get to me. It's me that he misses, comes to see, goes on dates with, so.. why should I worry about what stupid little girls think? Robbie is sick, yes, but I'm able to spend more time with her. I'm away from that hell hole I once called a home, and I don't have to see that bastard anymore. Things are great. Amazing even.
But something in the back of my mind is telling me that it's too good. Something's bound to happen soon. I just know it. All my life, I've never had it so good, so why should it change now? What the hell did I do to have a happy part in my life all of a sudden?
[End Private.]
|
|
| 021 |
[ | |
January 31st, 2008 @ 1:46am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hinder :: Better Than Me |
] |
[Private]
Robbie's been incredibly down in the dumps. She's sick, and upset that Xavier's not around. I've had to pick her up from school a few times when it got too much. Not that I mind it. In fact, with all the responsibility she's taking lately for me, it's comforting to actually feel like I'm helping her out. She doesn't want me to leave her side, and we basically just cuddle on the couch together and watch movies. I wish there was something else I could do.
[End Private]
[Private to Danielle Swift and Robbie Stone]
So... odd as this is coming out of my mouth? I told Ollie that I wanted to go on a date with him. A real date. And he didn't object.
...Dear Lord. I'm turning soft.
[End Private]
I think all the movies in the house have been watched. We clearly need to get some more. Any suggestions? I have to get more now before I get sick too. I wonder why I haven't gotten sick yet.
|
|
